My post last week on confidence with the opposite sex made me think about my own journey, the way I viewed the world while growing up, and the most liberating discovery I made along the way.
Your thoughts go a long way toward creating your reality, and as a teenage boy, the thought I had about women and sex was that they didn't enjoy it. And not only that, it was something a proper lady didn't really think about. So I imagined that they would be disgusted with me if they knew what I was thinking (and my imagination and drive, considered "wicked" by some even today, was absolutely out of control in those hormone-soaked teenage days.) And since I was very much the "good boy," the thought of a girl looking at me in disgust and saying (or even thinking) "you're a pervert" was just the most horrible thing imaginable.
I'm not really sure where those thoughts/beliefs came from. I was spared the misfortune of being explicitly told by parents or church that sex was bad/shameful. And I didn't get that as an implicit message either. Indeed, the message I got from my father was that sex was the best thing going, and I knew even then that my parents had a loving and healthy relationship.
I guess part of it was that there were no "sexual" women around me when I was growing up. There were all boys in my neighborhood (which was wonderful in that we always had a group to play baseball or run around in the woods, etc., but there just weren't any girls around.) And my mom, aunts, grandmothers, etc., were all warm and loving, but not remotely sexual. So I had no model of a sexual woman, and the thought that women had sex drives, and actually *wanted* sex, never occurred to me.
Even through dating and eventual marriage, the thought still persisted, and went hand-in-hand with my denying of my own sexuality.
My awakening finally happened in my mid-30's - an awakening that was both spiritual and sexual. I discovered, to my amazed delight, that women can have just as roaring a sex drive as a man. Not only that, but they might not only tolerate, but actually want, the same wicked things I want. This was an entirely new thought, and was world-changing (something akin to someone from the Middle Ages being confronted with the idea of a round Earth for the first time.)
The old thoughts were so deeply ingrained that the new and wonderful reality sometimes still surprises me a little. As for being thought wicked, readers of this blog know that it now delights me.